


Disconnect

by Anxeastrife56



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Gen, M/M, Not too explicit but still feel like I should tag that just incase, Post-Kingdom Hearts III, VanVen Week (Kingdom Hearts), Xion is in here because i love and miss her, as they should - Freeform, boys just having a talk, slight body dysmorphia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-23
Updated: 2019-12-23
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:06:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21914929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anxeastrife56/pseuds/Anxeastrife56
Summary: Vanitas had been Ventus and suddenly he wasn't. Vanitas had been faceless and suddenly he wasn’t. Vanitas has changed many times, donning mask after mask. Maybe finally he doesn't have to.Vanven Week Day 3: Mask
Relationships: Vanitas/Ventus (Kingdom Hearts)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 23





	Disconnect

**Author's Note:**

> Day 3!  
> This starts up right after Ventus joins his heart with Newborn Heart-Sora (just in case I didn't make it super clear.)  
> My sister wasn't available to edit this one so I did it myself (which means there are probably some errors that I didn't catch.) Hope it's readable (¯―¯٥)
> 
> Please enjoy!

_All that is left to do is_

_Open the door_

As the light begins to fade and the voices dissolve into dim echoes he opens his eyes. The first thing that he notices is that he is lying down on the dirt. A groan escapes him as he feels a sharp pain bloom out from the front of his head. Something is wrong, disorientingly so, though he can't pinpoint what it is. 

Unconsciously, his hands drift up to where the pain is emanating from, and it passes over something soft, a lump protruding from his face. He jerks his hands away, taking a look at the fingers that come back stained with blood. 

_What is this?_

Impulsively, he runs his hands back to where the blood came from. There is a mound of flesh, a nose, that hadn't been there before. His hands shake slightly as they drift to the side, brushing over spongy cheeks, stopping only at a rotund shape that must be an ear. 

For the first time in his existence, Vanitas wants to look at himself, needs to look at himself. His head turns in a frantic search for anything reflective in this arid graveyard. It is then that something glints in the corner of Vanitas’ eyes. In an instant he is scrambling over to it, hands and knees dragging across the dirt. It wasn’t dignified but he couldn’t find the will to care about that with the nervous bile clogged in his throat.

 _The master is not here. No one is here._

When he reaches the object, he realizes that it is a piece of glass; small, covered in dust and half corroded. His hands tremble as he reaches for it. Since he was born, he had been faceless, just a mass of darkness that took human form. But now, something was there...

 _The master is not here. He cannot stop me_.

Taking a deep breath, He brings the glass up to his face and two fearful golden irises stare back at him. Real eyes; no longer were they just beads of red. And the face…

 _It was wrong_. 

It wasn’t his face. It wasn't the face he had before he was born.

It was too round, too young.

“What’s wrong...” he rasps as he drops the mirror from his trembling fingers. “Why…”

Vanitas can feel the fear as it squeezes the breath from his lungs. He cannot pick the mirror up, afraid that touching it would make this real. He screws his eyes tight, trying desperately to convince himself that it was all an illusion. Maybe the mirror had lied. Or maybe it had been another test from the master, to see if he was strong enough to be of use. 

But it didn’t make sense.

His fingers brush over too soft cheeks, a chin that is rounder, less defined than his original one. His hand trails up, brushing against the fringes of black hair that were too spiky, not the same blond unruliness that he had been used to. Even his ears were too small, much more pointed. 

“Who are you?” Vanitas screams, voice erratic as it echoes across the empty graveyard. “Who is this?” He couldn’t fight the urge as he begins to scratch at the face as if his previous one might be underneath it. Even the faceless void he had been would be preferable to this. 

Vaguely, he could register that he was still screaming, an incoherent stream amidst the racing of his mind.

It is later that the Master finds him in this state, curled up on the ground as hundreds of writhing unversed swarm around him. If Xehanort is shocked by his new appear he doesn't show it, staring impassively.

Vanitas is only barely conscious enough to look over at the boy covered in a sheet that rests upon the Master’s shoulders.

 _Ven----tus,_ His fracture mind supplies. And suddenly it all comes roaring back, electric and virulent. He jumps up and stalks towards the boy lying limp like a corpse. The Master allows him to approach as he sets Ventus down on the dusty ground, watching with that typical hunger gaze. 

Vanitas, mind stark with twisted curiosity, pulls back the sheet from Ventus’ face. 

_He looks the same. He hasn't changed_

_I am the one that is different now._

_My identity is the only one that keeps being ripped away._

He continues staring, dimly aware of the tremor racking through his body. 

_Why does HE get to stay the same?_

Letting out a guttural scream, Vanitas summons his keyblade. He isn't sure what he is doing, the urge to hurt Ventus overwhelming him as he brandishes his weapons, ready to bash it against the boy’s face. It is only the sudden pressure of a hand on his wrist that stops him.

“Vanitas stop this at once,” the Master commands, “I still have a need of him.” 

The command makes Vanitas shiver as the anger drains from his body, leaving him hollow and tired. He steps away from Ventus, wanting nothing more than to have as much distance between them as possible.

“I want to hurt him.” He can hear himself whisper. “I want to kill him.”

Xehanort's eyes rove over his body, making Vanitas feel more exposed than he would like. His hands come up instinctively, shielding this new face from the Master. This face is too expressive and he hates the look that it’s probably is making.

“Yes, I understand.” Xehanort nods once, head tilted to the sky, contemplating. “I have an old friend who can care for the boy.” The Master elaborates no further as he scoops Ventus up and begins to walk away.

The last he can see of Ventus is a tuft of blond hair sticking out from white sheet as the Master disappears in a swirl of darkness.

As Vanitas collapses to his knees, exhausted, all he can feel is a rush of loneliness. 

_This isn't fair_

* * *

“Why did I have to come here too?”

“Master Yen Sid wants to meet with everyone.” Ventus yawns, a little exhausted from having to wake up so early. It's not like he wants to be here either and hearing Vanitas complain makes him roll his own eyes in exasperation. 

“I’m pretty sure by ‘everyone’ he didn’t mean me,” Vanitas sneers back.

“Stop being a child!” He knows that he shouldn’t continue the childish banter but it's almost unconscious. Vanitas seems to know this too as he smirks.

“Look who's talking!”

“Boys!” Aqua snaps from her position a few feet ahead of them, “Would it be too much for you both to behave? Just until we leave the tower?” 

Ven can’t help the heat that rises to his cheeks. He peeps out a “Sorry Aqua” at the same time Vanitas muttered a “Whatever” that sounded a little apologetic (at least to Ventus.)

* * *

Ven tried to suppress the yawn that threatened to escape, as everyone shuffled out of Yen Sid’s room. It had been a long meeting for the Champions of Light; with both Sora and Riku missing, clean-up across different worlds had to be officially delegated. 

And while he was happy at the prospect of being able to travel to new worlds, he could do without the long meetings. And it didn't help that Vanitas had left at one point and had not returned. 

“Ven!” Aqua called from inside the room. “Terra and I are going to stay back to discuss something with King Mickey. Will you two be fine getting back home on your own?” 

Exhaustion immediately forgotten, Ven tries not to grin at the idea of having the rest of the day to just relax. “Yeah, you can trust us! Vanitas and I can totally get back by ourselves!” 

He started to dash down the stairs, throwing back a quick “See you guys!” at Terra and Aqua. In his haste to get outside, he doesn't see the body standing by the front door and runs headfirst into it. Ventus feel his body rebound back as he loses his balance, hands automatically shooting out to grasp anything to keep him from falling.

“Heya Ven, where's the fire?” Lea asked, hands reaching out to steady him. 

He clutches the arms offered to him as he regains composure. “Heya Lea!” He replies jovially.

He hadn't been able to greet the man before the meeting had started so he is glad that he had caught up with him. 

Noticing the two smaller companions behind Lea, Ven leans over to smile at them as well. “Hey, Roxas!” He greets, receiving a smile and nod from the other blonde. Turning to the second person, he realizes that he never formally met her. She had been there during the final battle but he hadn't had a chance to learn her name. 

“Sorry, I didn't catch your name.” He feels embarrassed, but the girl smiles slightly, completely at ease with his lack of knowledge.

“It’s Xion.” She stuck out her hand and Ventus excitedly shakes it. “Lea has told me a lot about you.”

“Has he now? Hope Lea isn't spouting too many lies.” Ven jabs his thumb in Lea’s direction, “He has always been such a trouble maker.” That makes her laugh and Ven grins at the lightness of it. 

“Don't worry, Roxas and I can handle him no problem.” 

“Guys I’m right here!” Lea scoffs, crossing his arms in mock-devastation.

Now it's Ven’s turn to laugh. “The way your talking, I can totally believe it!” The group shares a laugh as Lea's pouts. 

“Ven!” An approaching voice from the side calls out and Ventus, immediately recognizing it, turns to see Vanitas walking towards their little group.

“Vanitas, where did you wander off to, you missed the whole meeting!” Despite the admonishing tone, he is excited to tell Vanitas about their unofficial day off. They could go wherever they wanted and he was interested to see if the other boy had anywhere in mind.

“So this is the famous Vanitas I’ve heard so much about?” Lea drawls, leaning to give Vanitas a once over. “Doesn't look very tough.”

Ven turns to tell Lea to lighten up a little bit when he realizes that Vanitas has stopped short a few feet from the group. Vanitas is rigid before them, staring but not at Lea. Instead, his eyes are trained on Roxas, face drawn up as if he had seen a ghost. Roxas stares back at Vanitas, though his expression is one of slight confusion. Ven watches as a palpable tension tightens around Vanitas. 

“You okay there kid?” Lea asks and Ven notices even Xion looking between Roxas and Vanitas in concern. 

Ven tries to discreetly move closer to Vanitas when Vanitas suddenly pitches forward. He feels a grip on his wrists, calloused and rough. There is a slight tremor to Vanitas’ hold, though it doesn't seem like the boy is aware of his own shaking. 

Ventus is beyond worried now, reaching his other hand to place it on top of Vanitas’. “Guys, I’ll be right back, I need to talk to Vanitas in private.” He tries to smile reassuringly; like this is a regular occurrence for them. Lea looks as though he wants to say something but a quick tap from Xion and a disapproving shake of the head from Roxas keeps him silent. Ventus feels immediate gratitude towards the two as they wordlessly pull Lea back with them.

“See you guys later!” He calls as he pulls Vanitas away from the doorway. The other boy is silent. It unnerving to not hear Vanitas complain about something. 

“What's wrong?” He waits for Vanitas to reply. Being away from Roxas seems to have brought Vanitas back to reality. But he still stares at the place Roxas had been like he is seeing a ghost no one else can.

“Why does he look like you, Ventus?” Vanitas hisses. Ventus reels at the sudden venom from Vanitas. He couldn't understand what Vanitas meant by the question.

“What do you mean?”

“Don’t be stupid!” The boy’s voice rises only to be forcibly brought back to a harsh whisper, “He looks exactly like you!”

Ventus pauses to think his response through. The situation feels precarious for some reason, heavy with some unknown tension. “I just assumed it was because I spent so much time inside Sora and he was made from Sora’s heart.” Ventus tries to appear nonchalant. Roxas looking like him had been creepy at first but with everything going on at the time, there wasn’t much time to address it. And after officially meeting and talking to Roxas, he couldn’t say he minded much. “Anyway it doesn’t matter, he’s nice!” He wants to reassure Vanitas, of what he wasn’t completely sure.

But his words seem to have the opposite effect. He watches as Vanitas’ face becomes stoic, lips drawing together in a harsh line. He looks like he was about to implode and Ventus stand stark still for what seems like forever, waiting for the storm.

“Whatever.” That isn't what Ventus expects to hear. It's too calm, deceptively so, as though all emotions had been forcibly pushed down. 

“What do you mean ‘whatever’?” Ventus asks desperately as he tries to keep a grip on Vanitas’ wrist.

Vanitas was turned away so Ven couldn’t see what expression he was making. Somehow that made this reaction all the more painful. He couldn’t claim to be the master at reading Vanitas’ expression but he felt that he was becoming somewhat adept at it. But when he closed up like this, face becoming a grim mask, communication became so much harder. 

“I mean it doesn’t matter,” Vanitas states, voice low and steady as he yanked his hand out of Ventus’ grip and disappeared into a corridor of darkness. 

Ventus is left standing there, shell shocked. 

* * *

Ventus ends up wandering around the Mysterious Tower, one part aimless, the other part searching. He can't imagine Vanitas staying in this world but a part of him hopes. 

It is in this blind walking that he passes by Roxas sitting under the shade of the tower. 

“Hey, Ven!” It's enough to startle him out of his trance. “How's Vanitas doing?” 

Ven doesn't answer the question, instead asking his own, “Did Lea and Xion leave you?” 

Roxas stares, “I decided to stay back...I was a little concern.” 

“Yeah sorry about that, I guess seeing so many new people scared him off.” He laughs nervously, as he sits by the other boy. Ventus hopes that Vanitas didn't make a terrible impression on Roxas. He wants, more than anything, for others to like Vanitas. He believes that Vanitas deserves companionship and he would try his hardest to make that a reality.

Roxas seems to consider him as if seeing him for the first time. “I don’t think that's truly it though,” Roxas said, kicking his legs out to stretch in front of him. Ventus’ head snaps down to look at Roxas. “You...don't?”

Well, yeah” Roxas hums, “It can’t be easy, seeing the face that was originally yours on another person.”

The idea is so simple but it makes sense. He thinks about the first time he saw Vanitas’ face, the slight shock of seeing some unknown visage. He had always wondered, dimly, who Vanitas looked like. Meeting Sora had answered that question. He never considered how Vanitas had felt about it. He knew that the other boy had complexes but his appears had never really seemed like one.

Ventus looks at Roxas, his twin in all but personality.“Is that how you felt when you saw me?” Ventus blurts. He instantly wishes he hadn’t when Roxas’ content smile falls. 

“Kinda? I always thought that I was apart from Sora because we didn’t look alike. I was my own person, we weren’t the same…” Ventus could understand that. That was always why he asserted that he and Vanitas were their own people. 

Roxas continues. “But then I saw you, and suddenly that point didn’t seem as strong anymore. For a second I thought that maybe I really was just a copy of someone else.”

Ven flinches, startled by the omission. “Roxas that’s-” but Roxas held up a hand and Ven falls silent. 

“But I have memories and feelings for people that you don’t have. And you were so different from me, there was no way we were the same person.” The conviction that Roxas speaks this with manages to alleviate some of Ventus‘ anxiety.

“But we aren't talking about me ...Vanitas was you at one point and then he suddenly wasn’t. He didn't get much say in what he became.”

A sick feeling nestles itself in Ventus' throat. “When I merged with Sora's heart…” he had managed to save himself from oblivion but had changed Vanitas on irreversibly. He couldn't regret his decision but the magnitude of it hadn't just affected him and Vanitas handy gotten a say in it. In any of it. 

As though he could hear Ventus’ thoughts Roxas smiled understandingly, leaning closer to Ventus. 

“What can I say to him then?” He wasn't sure what could be said to make it easier.

Roxas thinks for a bit, face contorted in thought. “There isn't much you can say, honestly.”

* * *

Ventus returns to his room in the Land of Departure, physically exhausted but mind racing. Vanitas hadn't shown up yet but Ventus hopes that the other boy would return to their shared room eventually. They had had worse fights then this, if you could even call this a fight, so he knew that Vanitas wouldn’t just disappear. 

Vanitas would return. 

So he curls up in the bed and waits. 

* * *

Vanitas manages to spend the whole day avoiding Ventus. He had ended up at Destiny Island, feeling his own foul mood radiating off him in waves. He paced back and forth before deciding to just sit by the shore, the quiet giving him time to organize his thoughts.

He knew that he wasn't angry at Ven or at that boy, Roxas. If anything, he was still pissed that this weakness was still affecting him. He thought that he had conquered it, beat it down until it couldn't bother him anymore. But seeing someone with Ven’s face forced his mind to jump back to that time in the graveyard, clawing at his face. It had left him feeling just as raw as he had felt then, an unknown face staring back at him through the reflection of a mirror. And now he didn't even have the security of his helmet. 

As the sun begins to set and the quiet becomes too much, he decides to head back to the Land of Departure. He wants to go to sleep and pretend this day didn't happen.

He slips into the room quietly, hyper-aware of the soft snores that waft through the room. On the bed he can make out a lump underneath the sheet, a tuft of spiky hair sticking out from underneath the covers. 

He stands, torn as to whether he should wake Ventus up or just leave again. He doesn't want to disturb the other boy, but the decision was made for him as the lump begins to stir.

Ventus sits up, eyes as cloudy and disoriented as they always were when he woke up. Any other day Vanitas would have loved to mess with Ventus in this state; giving nonsensical answers to Ven questions for as long as he could before Ven caught on. But right now, Vanitas isn't in a particularly teasing mood so he sits down on the edge of the bed. 

“I was waiting for you” Ventus mumbles softly, gently rubbing the sleep from his eyes. For a second Vanitas just watches him, in awe (not for the first time) at the trusting ease they had fallen into. Things were different now, he reminded himself. They were closer now, he could talk to Ven, explain what had made him so upset. But the words seemed to shrivel upon his tongue. What could he say to make the things that he was feeling seem normal?

_Hey Ventus, sometimes I hate the way I look._

_Sometimes I wish I still looked like you._

There was no way to make any of that sound sane. And he doesn’t want Ventus to be creeped-out. Or worse, to pity him. 

“You didn’t have to,” he grumbles, “you’re obviously tired so just go to sleep idiot.” Trying to keep his face impassive, Vanitas lays horizontally across the bed, looking up at the ceiling. 

“No, I think we should talk,” Ven replies moving to lay down next to him, legs hanging over the side.

“What if I have nothing to say?”

There is a long pause, and though Vanitas doesn’t look at Ven he could almost feel the stare drilling a hole in the side of his head. 

“Then can I make a guess?”

He can't imagine Ven parsing anything from his weird behavior. Hell, he wasn't sure if he himself could parse what exactly he was feeling. “Knock yourself out.” It’s as much an invitation as he can muster.

Ven reaches to grasp his hand and squeezes, “We don’t look alike.” Vanitas wants to snark back, a defiant ' _No shit'_ hanging from his lips. But something stops him.

“Originally, my face was yours...ours. And then one day it wasn't yours anymore. I can't imagine how that must feel.” 

The room is quiet as Vanitas mulls over the other boy’s words. He remembers staring at his face incessantly in every reflective surface he passed, forcing himself to conquer the fear of this new face. 

_This is you now._

_This will be you until you can get your true face back._

_If you can get strong enough you can take back what was taken from you_

He remembers how the Master had gifted him his black helmet, eyes seeing straight through his bravado; down into every weakness he had. The helmet had allowed him to feel faceless and that made him feel reckless, powerful. Less like the scared boy he had been.

“Xehanort promised me that it was only temporary. That once I joined with you, forged the X-blade, I would be back to normal.” And he had gotten that. The short-lived relief he had felt when he possessed Ventus had been better than anything else. But like everything else that had been in his life, it wasn't his to keep. 

“What's yours is mine,” Ventus recalls softly, and the words fling Vanitas back to the present. 

The smile he flashes at Ventus is sardonic.“I thought I came to terms with it years ago… How fucking lame.” He reaches a hand forward, thumb coming to caress the side of Ventus’ face.

The face that he could recall even in pitch darkness. The wide eyes, a nose that is sharper than his own, the angled chin. All of it was dearer to him than he could describe. He knows that one day he’ll tell Ventus everything, every aching thought that had plagued him during that moment in the graveyard. It feels better than he can admit that Ventus understands, even if not completely. 

But he can’t do it now, because some wounds take longer to heal than others and this one had festered for so long. 

“It sucks knowing that I can't do anything to make this any better.” And the sincerity of Ventus’ words makes his heart squeeze. “But thank you for sharing this with me.” Ventus smiles, soft and easy.

And that smile always manages to make it easier to just be. 

"Just so you know, I don't hate your face." Vanitas quips with a tone that borders on teasing.

Ventus is quick in his reply, "I hope not since you're gonna be stuck with me. Probably forever."

God, does Vanitas hope so.

**Author's Note:**

> So I'm a lot happier with this one.  
> Nothing really gets resolved but at least a conversation has been started and I think that's always a good first step!
> 
> When I saw the prompt I couldn't resist connecting it to Vanitas' feeling towards having Sora's appearance.
> 
> I would feel miserable if I woke up one day and suddenly I was someone else. I hope I got that feeling across in my writing!
> 
> Also, I really like empathetic Roxas. He just understands things quicker than most people. He's a smart cookie.
> 
> If you see any errors or if you have any critiques please feel free to let me know! 
> 
> As always, Thank you for reading!


End file.
